Being laid-off sucks. There’s no way around it. It is a terrible feeling, and having it happen in the middle of the Covid-19 crisis only amplified the suckiness for me personally.

Now, I will openly admit that I know I am lucky, considering the situation. My partner is still employed, and we are not worried about immediate needs and finances. We have done work to ensure we have a cushion for moments such as these. Also, my partner is loving, supportive, and he thinks I am a badass career woman who will pull out of this thing to become more successful than before we went into lockdown. And I appreciate him so much for his confidence and encouragement every single day.

But there’s no denying the deep emotional experience that comes with a lay off. Being that driven career woman is how I have always identified myself. It’s what I am most proud of; especially having climbed the ladder from the bottom, and without the help of a college degree. Competition, drive, and a (mostly) humble ego took me a long way. And now, without that identifying career, and with my industry still mostly inactive with few job prospects, I find myself thrust into a weird place where I don’t really know what my purpose is. A place where I am forced to look inward.

Before the official lay-off happened, I experienced a period of furlough for roughly thirty days. I’m happy for the furlough, because it allowed somewhat of a transition into my current state. Blocked from doing anything work related, I had no ability to access projects, no access to email, and no due dates or touch bases to prepare for. But it was just a furlough, I was still an active employee technically speaking, and I had hope and expectation that everything would go back to normal. Thus I filled that time with leadership based learning (thank you LinkedIn Learning) to keep myself in the right mindset, and I signed up for a writing class and an Italian class as secondary ways to fill my time. I even picked up my dusty violin again and started playing nearly daily. My motivation, drive, and passion were not affected. Did I mention that idleness and I don’t get along?

However, when the furlough turned into a lay-off, without much ceremony, my whole self-view shifted. I was not prepared for it. For an entire week I would sit at my laptop during the day, but with no clear direction or motivation to continue my leadership courses. I started to turn in my writing class homework late. And I lost my drive to play music. For an entire week, which is eternity for me, I felt unable to be productive and honestly, a bit like a loser.

Why the sudden loss of focus? After reflection I have concluded that it’s because over the last decade, I have lost focus of myself and used my career accomplishments as the sole identifiers for who I am. I have tunneled into my role and allowed the pressures of work to completely drown out all the other things that bring value and joy to my life. So of course, when my role was taken away, not by my own choice but in a way that was out of my control, I was left feeling lost and purposeless.

Yet.. this feeling of being lost allowed something beautiful to happen. And the timing of being laid off coinciding with this pandemic forced something uncharacteristic on me. It has forced me to SLOW DOWN.

I have absolutely nothing else to do other than look inward and reflect on what remains when the career and responsibilities of work fade away. My industry is slowing down, restructuring, tightening budgets, certainly not hiring at a substantial rate. Retail isn’t even operational yet in NY. I have no choice but to find other ways to fill my time, and to refocus myself back to other activities that I find meaningful, and figure out what my values and passions are, truly. And it is wonderful.

I still have my moments of stir-crazy and I am eager to find a new, significant role to kick-ass in. But for now, I am happy to be here. To observe and find those things that bring me joy, all with my loving partner and my toothless cat by my side. I hope to reflect on this time later down the road as a time of peace and reconnection to myself. And I hope if you are in a similar situation, you are able to do the same for yourself. Don’t get too absorbed in the shuffle and forget yourself; remember what’s there when the career is peeled away. It’s you. Cheers.